I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
