Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
