A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
