I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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