she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
