I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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