he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
