I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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