Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
