if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
