Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
