p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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