You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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