I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
