I think I won the penis lottery.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
