I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
