You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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