my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
