so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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