we're chasing vodka with high fives
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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