watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
