It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
