hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
