um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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