She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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