Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
everyone is single if you try hard enough
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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