how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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