Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
