She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
And then he peed in my hair
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
