god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
