You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
