Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Every concussion has its silver lining
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
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