His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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