It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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