Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
