i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
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Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
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Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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