i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
