I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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