im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
