Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
