well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
he's gonorrhea incarnate
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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