I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
