I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
