i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
