woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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