Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
