Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
