I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
