The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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