peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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