I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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