i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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