He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
