I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
