she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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