Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
