I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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