i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
