Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
