i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
