I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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