for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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