I'm really into asian looking animals
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
