if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so explain again why im purple
no
She announced her abortion via fbk
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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