My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
