Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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